Grief is something most of us will experience at some point, yet it remains one of the least openly talked about human experiences. While we often associate grief with the death of someone we love, it can also follow other significant losses – changes in health, identity, relationships or an expected future that no longer feels possible.
When grief arrives, it can bring a wide and sometimes surprising mix of emotions. People often describe waves of sadness, anger, guilt, shame, longing or even relief, sometimes appearing out of the blue. These reactions can feel confusing or overwhelming, particularly if we don’t recognise them as part of grief.
Understanding grief as a human response
In a recent episode of The Choice Space, Dr Lee David spoke with Professor Lucy Selman, professor of palliative and end of life care at the University of Bristol and founder of the Good Grief Festival, about what grief really is and how we can better understand and support it.
One of the key themes in our conversation was the importance of recognising grief as a natural human response, rather than a mental health problem in itself. Grief is not something to be fixed or rushed through. It reflects attachment, meaning and care – and it looks different for everyone.
Lucy highlights how grief is shaped by our relationships, our culture and our sense of identity. Two people experiencing a similar loss may respond in very different ways, and neither response is “wrong”. Simply being able to name grief can be powerful, offering permission to respond with compassion rather than self-judgement.
Moving beyond myths about grief
Many of us grow up with unhelpful ideas about how grief is “supposed” to work – that it follows neat stages, that it has a clear endpoint, or that we should be able to move on within a certain timeframe. These myths can add an extra layer of pressure or shame when someone’s experience doesn’t match expectations.
Lucy introduces the dual process model of grief, which offers a more realistic and humane way of understanding loss. Rather than progressing in a straight line, people tend to move back and forth between two modes:
-
Times of being more focused on the pain of the loss
-
Times of engaging with everyday life, roles and responsibilities
This natural oscillation helps explain why grief can feel unpredictable, and why moments of connection or even laughter can sit alongside deep sadness. Both are part of adapting to loss.
Guilt, self-blame and making sense of loss
Guilt is a common experience in bereavement, often showing up as “if only” or “what if” thoughts. While painful, guilt can also be understood as a sign of care and responsibility, rather than proof of wrongdoing.
In our conversation, we explore how making sense of loss often involves revisiting the story we tell ourselves about what happened. Over time, people may find ways to hold that story with more perspective and kindness, even when the loss itself remains deeply painful.
Supporting yourself through grief
Day-to-day self-care can feel difficult during grief, yet small, steady supports matter. This might include:
-
maintaining simple routines around sleep and nourishment
-
gentle movement or time outdoors
-
allowing rest without judgement
-
staying connected in manageable ways
Importantly, grief can also make people more vulnerable physically and emotionally, so reducing isolation and seeking support when needed can be protective.
For some, grief becomes more complex and begins to significantly interfere with daily life over time. In these situations, additional support – such as bereavement services or specialist psychological help – can be important and appropriate.
How to support someone who is grieving
Many people feel unsure how to support someone who is grieving, often because loss is something we cannot fix. Lucy emphasises that presence matters more than solutions. Being willing to sit alongside someone, tolerate discomfort and offer practical help can be deeply supportive.
This might mean:
-
spending time together without pressure to talk
-
helping with everyday tasks
-
checking in gently over time rather than disappearing after the early weeks
Support doesn’t require the “right words” – it requires care, patience and consistency.
Making space for grief
Grief doesn’t follow a timetable, and it doesn’t need to be pushed away in order to live a meaningful life. Over time, many people find ways to make space for loss alongside ongoing connection, purpose and care.
If you’re living with grief, or supporting someone who is, understanding what’s happening can reduce isolation and self-criticism. It can help create more room for compassion – towards yourself and others.
If you’d like to explore these ideas further, you can listen to the full podcast conversation with Professor Lucy Selman, where we discuss grief, bereavement and support in much more depth.
About the guest
Lucy Selman is professor of palliative and end of life care at the University of Bristol. She has spent over 20 years researching psychosocial and spiritual aspects of serious illness, communication and decision-making, family caregiving and bereavement. Her work focuses on grief and how people are supported through illness and loss. Lucy is on LinkedIn and X.
The Good Grief Festival (Website, Instagram, LinkedIn) offers courses for bereaved people and professionals, including a new course for GPs and primary care clinicians.
