In this episode of The Choice Space, Dr Lee David speaks with ADHD coach, author and podcaster Gabrielle Treanor about a form of ADHD that often goes unnoticed. While many people still associate ADHD with visible hyperactivity and impulsivity, Gabrielle explores how it can present very differently in quiet, introverted and sensitive women.
Diagnosed herself at the age of 48, Gabrielle reflects on why so many women reach midlife before recognising that ADHD may be part of their story. The conversation explores the hidden effort involved in appearing calm, capable and organised, and the impact this can have on wellbeing over time.
When ADHD does not fit the stereotype
Many people still picture ADHD as something obvious. The traditional image is often of a child who struggles to sit still, interrupts frequently or appears visibly restless.
For some women, the experience can look very different. The restlessness may be internal rather than external. Instead of appearing distracted, they may work incredibly hard to stay focused. Rather than acting impulsively, they may spend hours overthinking decisions. Instead of being disorganised, they may create elaborate systems to keep everything running smoothly.
From the outside, these women often appear to be coping well. The effort required to maintain that appearance is not always visible.
This can make ADHD difficult to recognise, both for others and for the person themselves.
The hidden cost of masking
A central theme throughout the conversation is masking.
Many women learn from an early age that certain behaviours are more socially acceptable than others. They become skilled at monitoring themselves, suppressing impulses and working hard to meet expectations.
Over time, this can create the appearance of competence and control. However, maintaining that image often requires significant mental and emotional energy.
Masking may involve double-checking everything, constantly monitoring social interactions, rehearsing conversations or developing complex organisational systems to avoid mistakes.
While these strategies can be effective, they can also become exhausting.
For some women, years of masking contribute to feelings of burnout, overwhelm and a sense that everyday life requires far more effort than it seems to for other people.
The role of perfectionism and the inner critic
The discussion also explores the close relationship between ADHD, perfectionism and self-criticism.
Many women with ADHD develop a strong inner critic. This often emerges as an attempt to stay on top of responsibilities, avoid mistakes and prevent rejection.
The critic may insist that everything must be done properly, that there is no room for error, or that falling behind means somehow falling short.
Although this voice is often trying to protect us, it can become relentless.
The result can be a constant pressure to achieve more, work harder and keep going, even when energy is running low.
Understanding this dynamic can be an important step towards developing a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.
Why rejection can feel so painful
Gabrielle also discusses rejection sensitivity and the way small social interactions can sometimes trigger a strong emotional response.
A comment, facial expression or change in tone can be interpreted as criticism or disapproval, even when that may not have been the other person’s intention.
For some people, this experience can feel immediate and overwhelming. It is not simply a matter of deciding to think differently.
Recognising what is happening can help reduce the additional layer of self-judgement that often follows. Rather than criticising ourselves for reacting strongly, we can begin by acknowledging that the response is real and difficult.
This creates space for greater self-compassion and support.
The importance of joy and creativity
One of the most uplifting parts of the conversation focuses on joy.
Many women spend years prioritising responsibilities, obligations and other people’s needs. Activities that bring energy, curiosity and enjoyment can gradually disappear from daily life.
Yet these experiences may be particularly important for people with ADHD.
Creative projects, hobbies, movement, learning and play can all provide a sense of engagement and energy that supports wellbeing. Rather than being distractions from life, they can become important sources of nourishment.
The conversation challenges the idea that enjoyable activities should only happen once everything else is finished.
Sometimes creating space for joy can make the rest of life feel more manageable.
Working with the ADHD brain
The discussion highlights the value of understanding how the ADHD brain works rather than constantly trying to force it to operate differently.
This includes recognising time blindness, understanding the pull of hyperfocus and becoming aware of the tendency to overcommit.
Small practical changes can sometimes make a meaningful difference. Building in buffer time, allowing for transitions between activities and creating realistic expectations may reduce unnecessary pressure.
Equally important is recognising what helps us feel regulated, energised and able to function at our best.
The goal is not perfection. It is creating a way of living that works more effectively with our natural patterns and needs.
Self-understanding can change everything
For many women, discovering ADHD later in life can bring mixed emotions. There may be relief, sadness, validation and curiosity all at once.
The conversation highlights how powerful it can be to finally have an explanation for experiences that may have felt confusing for many years.
Understanding ourselves does not remove every challenge. It can, however, create opportunities for greater self-compassion, more supportive choices and a different perspective on struggles that may previously have been interpreted as personal failings.
Choice Space takeaways
- Notice where effort and struggle may be hidden behind competence
- Reflect on whether perfectionism is helping or exhausting you
- Create space for activities that bring genuine joy and curiosity
- Consider how self-compassion might change difficult moments
- Pay attention to what helps your nervous system feel more regulated
- Explore ways of working with your brain rather than against it
This conversation offers a reminder that ADHD does not always look the way we expect. Sometimes the people working hardest to appear calm and capable are carrying the greatest amount of unseen effort. Greater understanding can create space for compassion, connection and a different way of moving through life.
About the guest
Gabrielle Treanor is a coach, writer, author and podcaster based in Wales, specialising in supporting introverted and sensitive women who discover – or suspect – they have ADHD later in life. Diagnosed herself at 48, Gabrielle hosts the Quiet ADHD Club, works one to one with coaching clients, and has an MSc in Applied Positive Psychology. She is the author of The 1% Wellness Experiment and host of the Pressing Pause podcast. She is also creating the Better Read Book Fest – the UK’s first literary festival dedicated entirely to wellbeing books.
You can connect with Gabrielle via her website, Instagram and LinkedIn
About the host
Dr Lee David is a GP, CBT therapist and author specialising in mental health and wellbeing. Lee has written many books on CBT, mindfulness and teen wellbeing, and speaks regularly at conferences and in the media. Away from work she enjoys running, hiking, singing in a choir and spending time outdoors with her family. You can find Lee through her website and on Instagram, TikTok (@dr.lee.david), Facebook and LinkedIn. You can find more about her books, wellbeing courses and therapy here: https://linktr.ee/dr.lee.david
