In this episode of The Choice Space, Dr Lee David speaks with clinical psychologist and author Dr Tara Porter about the idea of good enough parenting and how modern pressures can make family life feel more demanding than it needs to be. The conversation reflects on how expectations around parenting have changed, why many families feel caught in cycles of perfectionism and performance, and how focusing on relationships rather than outcomes can support children’s mental health.
Parenting today often takes place in a culture of advice, comparison and scrutiny. When expectations feel constant, it can become easy for parents to feel that they are falling short. The idea of being “good enough” offers a different perspective – one that centres connection, flexibility and the everyday realities of family life.
Finding the messy middle
A key theme in the conversation is the idea of the messy middle. Parenting is often presented in extremes – either strict and controlled or relaxed and permissive. In reality, most families navigate a space somewhere between these positions.
The messy middle is not about lowering standards or giving up on boundaries. Instead, it reflects the ongoing adjustments that take place within relationships. Parents respond to their children’s changing needs, circumstances and personalities, often learning through trial and error.
Standing in the middle of the seesaw requires attention and flexibility. It means recognising that mistakes are part of family life and that responding thoughtfully in the moment matters more than maintaining a sense of perfection.
Moving away from outcome-based parenting
Modern parenting is often shaped by outcomes – academic success, achievements in sport or music, social confidence and future opportunities. These goals are usually motivated by care and hope for children’s wellbeing. However, when outcomes become the primary focus, the process of relating to children can become overshadowed by pressure. Parents may find themselves concentrating on what needs to be achieved next rather than noticing what is happening in the present moment.
The conversation explores how this shift towards outcome-based thinking can increase stress for both parents and children. When expectations feel relentless, children may begin to link their sense of worth to performance, while parents may feel responsible for controlling results that are often outside their influence. Returning attention to the relationship can soften these pressures and create more space for curiosity and connection.
Leading with relationship
Another important theme in the episode is relationship-based parenting. Rather than focusing primarily on tasks and outcomes, this approach places connection at the centre of family life. In everyday terms, this can be as simple as beginning conversations with interest in how a child’s day has been rather than moving immediately to practical questions about homework, responsibilities or routines.
Small moments of attention – listening, noticing interests or sharing everyday experiences – help strengthen attachment and trust over time. These interactions build a sense of safety that allows children to express emotions and seek support when they need it. Relationships also involve moments of tension or misunderstanding. The conversation highlights how rupture and repair are natural parts of family life. Parents do not need to respond perfectly at every moment; what matters is the willingness to reconnect and restore the relationship afterwards.
Balancing firmness and kindness
Parenting often involves navigating the balance between setting boundaries and maintaining connection. Dr Porter describes this balance as being firm and kind. Boundaries provide structure and safety, helping children understand expectations and develop a sense of responsibility. At the same time, kindness ensures that limits are communicated in a way that maintains respect and emotional connection.
When firmness becomes overly rigid, it can create power struggles and distance within relationships. When kindness lacks boundaries, it can lead to uncertainty and confusion. Holding both together allows parents to guide behaviour while still recognising children’s emotions and perspectives. This balance can be particularly important in areas such as digital use, where parents often need to set limits while keeping communication open.
Parenting guided by values
The episode also explores how values can provide a steadier guide for parenting decisions. Rules and routines often change as children grow, but values such as kindness, safety, curiosity or connection can remain consistent over time. When parents are clear about their values, boundaries become easier to explain and discuss. Rather than focusing only on what children should or should not do, conversations can include why certain choices matter within the family.
Values also create flexibility. Because they are broader than individual behaviours, they allow families to adapt to new situations and challenges while remaining connected to what feels important.
Supporting emotional competence
Alongside practical skills and achievements, the conversation highlights the importance of emotional competence. Being able to recognise, name and respond to feelings is an important part of navigating modern life. Children and young people today often encounter complex social environments shaped by digital communication, constant comparison and rapidly changing expectations. Emotional skills help them manage disappointment, conflict and uncertainty.
Parents support this development not only through guidance but also through modelling. When adults acknowledge emotions – both their own and their children’s – they demonstrate that feelings can be recognised and managed without needing to be suppressed or avoided. Creating space for these conversations can strengthen both emotional understanding and family connection.
Growing and changing together
Parent–child relationships naturally evolve over time. As children move into adolescence, they often shift attention towards friendships and independence. This transition can feel challenging for parents who are used to a more central role in daily life.
The episode reflects on how connection may take new forms during these stages. Rather than expecting relationships to remain the same, parents may need to adapt – finding new ways to share time and conversation. This flexibility allows the relationship to continue developing while supporting the child’s growing independence.
Choice Space takeaways – small, workable steps
- Notice the messy middle: parenting rarely sits at extremes – flexibility and adjustment are part of the process.
- Lead with relationship: begin conversations with curiosity about your child’s experiences.
- Hold boundaries with kindness: firmness and care can exist together.
- Reflect on your values: let them guide decisions about routines and expectations.
- Make room for emotions: recognising feelings helps children develop emotional competence.
Parenting with compassion
This episode offers a compassionate reminder that parenting does not need to be perfect in order to be meaningful. When expectations soften and relationships take priority, families often find greater ease and resilience. By focusing on connection, values and emotional understanding, parents can create environments where both children and adults are able to grow, learn and adapt together.
About the guest
Dr Tara Porter is a clinical psychologist and author with 28 years’ NHS experience working with children, adolescents and families, specialising in eating disorders. She now works privately in London, with a particular focus on the adolescent and young adult years. Tara has a strong interest in mental health in schools, contributing to the Anna Freud Centre’s Schools in Mind project, writing for TES and teaching in schools. She is also an Associate Tutor at UCL and the author of several books including You Don’t Understand Me and Good Enough: A Framework for Modern Parenting.
Connect with Tara via LinkedIn or Instagram @drtaraporterpsychologist
